Confused Vanity

There had been a million and one moments when I thought of discontinuing this blog and even as I type this, the thought of doing so will not really shake and rattle the blogosphere, more so, the world. Sometimes I play pretend that I am a celebrity and readers spend their precious time dreaming and wanting my larger-than-life existence and swooning over my too-good-to-be-true life the way I do over blogs and sites which I cannot get the hang out of reading or have somewhat or greatly influenced me – but in truth and nothing but the truth – I am not.

My faltering enthusiasm towards writing is mainly because my purpose of detailing my experiences, interests, plans and goals in life and whatever it is that I feel like writing about has been nothing but a selfish desire to release stress and calm the nerves, get in touch with my creative instincts or whatever is left of it, and lastly, to complete the cycle of a purposeful human life: to be able to write a book, as I have written in my very first entry, and this blog, is my version of writing a book  (aside from writing a book, they say one has to plant a tree, which I already did, albeit for press release purposes for a project I have handled before; another is to bear a child, which I plan to do so, sometime in the future) – in short, all reasons are geared towards nobody  and nothing else but myself. Me. Me. Me.  And while I acknowledge that self-love is essential (Oscar Wilde explained it beautifully, “To love one self is the beginning of a lifelong romance”), there is nothing lonelier than getting overwhelmed with the me-ness the current era lauds.

How do I say or explain this clearly so as not to appear self-contradicting as I personally give utmost value to me-time and self-love? Take this for example: whenever I write, I talk to myself and hope to elicit reaction from myself. The cycle gets lonely because the source and the recipient are both contained within my universe. It is not about the number of readership or blog hits, it is more about being able to write and share stories for a greater purpose other than self-entertainment. Yes, that’s the magic word: SHARE. And sharing requires an extension beyond one’s self and reaching out towards others – out of the self. This is getting ridiculous I know, it’s one of my weaknesses – getting a point across. To put it succinctly, yes, I may indulge in writing and stories about my sexy self (*wink*), but I need to do it, write it for somebody. Purpose. This blog needs a purpose and I hope to write it for somebody I love or will love because I firmly believe that I can indulge in traversing the road to self-discovery and self-improvement (my current addiction) but I will do so for a reason far greater than self-discovery and self-improvement – I hope to do it out of LOVE, a love spurred from within and will radiate beyond the source. A love that is shared.

I am not sure if you are catching my drift because at this point, I am just as confused as the reader who googled the word “hotness” and this blog popped out as number one site on the “search result” list (because that’s just the way it is), clicked the site and read this entry.

Second, I want to focus on a theme without giving up the intimate feel of sharing personal stories. At some point I wanted to write a blog about commuting because commuting in a third world country is in itself an interesting story but I am pretty sure, 90% of the entries will be rants about the inefficiency of the Metro Rail Transit (MRT) and I do not want to write about my rants. The world has its fair share of negatrons and I do not want to be an unwelcomed addition (should the blog materialize, its title will have to be, “The Sexy Commuter”, yes, sexiness and hotness are two of the traits I will never let go of).

I have also entertained the thought of writing a blog about my being a “tita” to Theo and Tanya. The blog’s title will be “What A Tita: Stories about a Not-so-mommy mommy” and I will post entries out of my love of and amusement to the cute antics of my two superstars, Theo and Tanya, and more so, it will be a sort of update for my brother, who currently works in Dubai, on the growing years of his children. God bless the OFWs. You see, while most people my age (and who are still single) are into clubbing and socializing and fashion and business and things associated with celebrating the vibrancy and energy of being young, I am into reading mommy magazines and mommy blogs. I like to keep things simple and practical and mommy tips and pieces of advice are all about simplicity and practicality. Though I have said this a million times over, NO, I do not have plans of being a mommy in the nearest future imaginable. I cannot remember the reason, but I scrapped this tita-blogging plan.

So, what now? I have some ideas that I am working on. Again, there is nothing life-altering about it and ‘another’ again, I am pretty sure there will be no shaking and rattling the world when the idea comes into fruition EVEN after a lengthy discourse (haha!); but it will certainly be done out of love, for somebody or some bodies (the plural of somebody – gets? Haha!) and the theme shall remain as it is: a personal diary. Yun lang pala noh? What the???

For now, let’s hush the rush and gag the nag. Keep calm (keep writing). And carry on.